Just like working out to make you physically strong, it takes work (practice) to create the strength needed to overcome habitual pathways of behavior. Many who come to therapy are hoping that once they “understand” their problems, they will be relieved of them. Unfortunately, that is not true, and for people who are highly intelligent and skilled in analytic thinking, this can be especially frustrating as you may have “known” for years what the problem is, but don’t know how to shift behavior to allow a better outcome based on responding differently.
Insight into how or why we have the particular habitual patterns we have for relating to self, others and situations is useful information but not an “end” or reason for justification into permanent victimhood. Understanding your personal history is useful because without any meaningful intervention, you will continue to respond in the ways you first learned. Knowing your own history will allow you to change your future by becoming aware of how it is affecting your current circumstances.
But that is the beginning. Then you have to grow your attention (mindfulness) on when these old habits start to kick in. Since many have been around for a long time, it can seem very difficult to spot what “happened” that threw you into your habitual way of coping or relating that doesn’t go that well or has other consequences (addictions fall into this category). However, with daily practice, you can learn to see these BEFORE you reenact the habitual response. But even that is not enough.
Then comes a time when we see what we are doing, but still don’t follow through on shifting our behavior. My Buddhist teacher described it as the difference between mindfulness and alertness. Mindfulness lets you see – Alertness makes you act. Another Buddhist teacher calls this "the active moment. This is a place that is somewhat of a crossroads – a liminal space that requires a lot of self-love and compassion in order to cross over into a different way of responding. I say this as a person who has had very little problem “seeing” (mindfulness) in my life, but has struggled intensely to develop the psychic muscle of “acting” on what is seen. My left “arm” - strong. My right “arm” - weak! So how to strengthen?
When trying to confront these patterns, it feels like they practically wheedle and plead for you not to go against their grain, but that is exactly what is needed. Sometimes, that means NOT doing something– which is surprisingly as difficult in doing something (differently). For instance, if you are trying to stop doing something that is a decoy/cover for some ancient learned taboo feeling, resisting doing the habitual response can feel like you might die if you don’t do it. I know that sounds dramatic – but anyone who has tried to quit a “bad” habit might be able to relate. Instead of applying force (will-power)which almost always ends with eventually feeling like you are white-knuckling through life, try just allowing the feeling that seems desperate to stay under the surface, to rise. This is the part that takes a lot of self-love, because it is beyond uncomfortable at times. Like I said - it can illicit feelings of “I might die …” This is why it is so very hard to change ingrained behavior. Watch out too, how this energy might shift. Say you start out with habitual internet surfing in order to avoid “something.” If you can manage to shift away from that, but still feel restless and the need to “spend” the energy – you may find yourself in front of the refrigerator, or deciding its time for happy hour, even if its “only” 3 pm. Really, it can move into any kind of behavior, and this is why mindfulness is so important in tracking what is going on. You must really get to know yourself – and without judgment! Just assume that all your behaviors are adaptive for some good reason which you aim to discover. By assuming that, the first obstacle of condemning yourself is removed. You will need all the help you can get because once the raw feeling is exposed – it can be very difficult to be with it until you can allow all the associated feelings to consciously arise. Meditation teaches us to be a compassionate witness to the pain, but this is something that must be developed over time - this part of ourselves serves as a “container” for this energy – something that we can tolerate or hold - thus building the psychic muscles needed to be able to walk, run, skip, even fly down new pathways.
It is a process and takes many rounds of forward motion and sliding back to establish a strong foot-hold when you are flooded with discomfort. Its slippery, its not linear and this is why practice is so important. You can do as many rituals as you want, and they can be very helpful, but the nitty-gritty of changing behavior – integrating insight and acting on it - is the work of a lifetime. Don’t be discouraged.